It was not necessary.

why did you have to do that? i didnt need to know he was on his way to see her.

why do you do this to me?

hahahaha...i'm pretty dumb

i can't believe myself sometimes.

what am i doing checking for flights arrival? he has a girlfriend now. it is the girl's duty to check up on her man. hahaha....i'm pathetic.

i'm just concerned. i will always have a soft spot in my heart for him (well...till january anyway...)
i worry. hope he is ok.

why is d-day so far away. sayonara world....one less fool soon.

it is just not meant to be...

saw a friend's wedding pictures and another friend honeymoon pic. they are moving on with their life, so happy. i'm happy for them. god bless them.

it is just not for me. not meant to experience that level of happiness. they have done good in life, i screwed it up, and will pay for it for the rest of my life.

d-day look so inviting now.

clueless

he msged me today. totally oblivious how every word, every question affected me. his buying a tshirt for his girl and asked me about sizes. :(

i'm the information counter. my thoughts keep thinking on how lucky the girl is to be showered with his attention. why did i say i wanted a tee too? stupid!

during his 3 hours transit, i was one of the people he msged. again...i can imagined what he says to her...the tone of his text msgs....

d-day is such a long way off..... :(

it still hurts

the person that i love is with somebody else right now.
i'm begging you for forgiveness for what i have planned. I'm asking for your permission your blessing. It is a great sin, I know. i'm tired, i'm not strong as i believed. i can not continue this life as it is and i dont see any changes. i am telling you now that i can't go thru another year of my life in this dissapointed state. another few months, he will be engage, and then married. i do not have the strength to standby the sideline and watch the man that i love achieved happiness with somebody else while i continue to live in darkness. please forgive me. i have to go. this life challenges are too great for me to bear. my birthday would be the best time for me to go and i can't live another year of bleakness.
forgive me.

i still miss him

yeah..the loser me.

the pathetic me that misses a guy that is with somebody else

damn it!!!! I miss him!

i do :(

please take this pain away....

it is unbearable.....

:(

can i just do it now?

it is so easy....

then it is over.

strange

i'm strangely upbeat. was it the coffee?
I'm smiling...even laughing while my heart is still pounding away.
I'm sad, disappointed, but cheerful....what is the meaning of this?

denial?
or just my emotions overwhelming me, like the nervous laugh people do when they are
in shock

my heart still aches.
why do i love an idiot.
you just have to take a look at him and you will think that I'm insane
lets just say if we are ever in any dangerous situation, i will be the rescuer. and after rescuing him he will run to save his own skin, he is that much of a coward. never venturing out of his domain, his safe zone.
he is such a scaredly cat, afraid even in his own country. he disguises it by being snobbish, anything or any places that freaks him out are uncool places, when in fact, he is just a scared little kitten.
pathetic fool...
a fool that i love.

how do i go on?

tell me...

i'm proceeding as planned. i've wrote emails to be sent to my friends after i'm gone.
next is to write a letter to my sis. a will of some sort, just to tell her who to contact, what to do with my stuff etc.
i've removed all pictures of me online. the rest are uploaded by other people, i dont have controlled over that. i hope after i'm gone they will remove the pictures. i dont have any desire to be remembered. the sooner people forget about me the better.

my heart have not stop pounding since yesterday, ive not slept....i can't sleep. all this while he is oblivious to his effect on me. he is devoid of any compassion. he is selfish to the core.

soon

i can't wait till D-Day.

i'll have to go soon.

need to finish a few things first, then it will be ok for me to go.

i'm not going to miss this world.

are YOU excited ? i set the date, but YOU are the one in control. so the day i die is not on 23rd january according to my plan, it is according to YOURS. and YOU want it to be earlier. i wonder why? will i be spoiling other people happy times if it happen during the time i planned? i guess so. they are all under your protection.

one of the worst day of my life

i seem to have a lot of that. worst days.

lucky ha. you know it got me into thinking why is it, the man that treated me poorly, that broke my heart, that shows no consideration to me found somebody so easily. it says a lot doesn't it. it shows, i'm the bad one. i'm the one with the bad karma. i'm the evil one.

so, why should i be breathing the same air as everybody else. you always wish those evil people to just die. they never do. so since i'm a very bad person that dont deserve anything good happening to her, i should leave this world. one less evil being. the world deserves it.

i deserves what is coming to me. i will be in hell. lifetime of torture. that is what i deserved. that was what YOU have planned for me all along isnt it? we can't all go the heaven.

i'm totally broken.

it finally happen.
i'm totally broken.

he found somebody.

why???

this time next year he will be married.

and you expect me to be around for that?

why?
why dont i deserve some love?
why?

i want to go now.
i dont want to be in this world anymore


WHY~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'M DEAD